Growing up

You know the saying that goes "You don't have to be the fastest running from the bear you just have to be faster than the slowest guy." Do you ever get the sense that you are the slowest person running from the bear? I'm starting to feel like I'm falling behind the pack. For almost the past year now I have been aimless. No goal. No motivation. Nothing. I've stopped moving forward. And I'm pretty sure this is a huge factor in the crumbling of so many relationships in my life. My bubble is dwindling, and it scares me so much. I feel like everyone is moving on, growing up, and I'm just stuck. Part of this complex could be the fact that almost daily I get a text from my best friend informing me of some other person my age who is engaged or married or having a baby or something else.
I am 22 years old. This is an age where people are graduating from college. Getting engaged. Having babies. Doing amazing things with their lives. And what about me? I live with my sister. I have pretty much dropped out of school. I have no boyfriend or prospects even. And no idea what to do about any of it. Scary scary thought. I am living a stagnant life... and I have to do something about it. And I'm trying...

For starters I got a full-time job. I will be starting work at a daycare next week. Which the money will be extremely nice, I just hope that I don't pull my hair out in the process. :( I also have been looking into an Even Management Certification in Austin. Don't know if it'll work out but I'm looking into it. Definitely not getting my hopes up. But this is the first thing I've found that deals with what I really want to do. As for the boy front I got nothing. I think I have forgotten how to be a girl who grabs guys attention. Or maybe I've never been that kind of girl, but either way I don't know how to do it. I've had my share of guys who liked me, but I have no idea how it works. I don't grab the attention of guys when I go out, and I have no way of meeting guys through work or school since those have been pretty much a bust here lately.. So I've decided to take a break. I've stopped thinking about and worrying about it and stressing about it. I will find a guy who actually deserves me and who actually loves me and it will be so amazing that it will make me realize why it's not worked with guys in the past. I mean don't get me wrong I have had excellent luck with the guys I have dated. And I have been loved, deeply, and I know this. It just wasn't ever right. And I cannot wait until I find the right guy. But until that day why worry?

So, that's my new outlook on life. Or trying at least... ;)

"Lord, help me find peace. Amen."


*** Sidenote: Be on the lookout for a new blog project that me and my sister Amanda (lavatea) are working on. It's a little picture blog about our Historical Adventures. It should be neat, and it should be up and running soon! :)

Ghosts

Moving on is hard.. moving on with a smile plastered to my face is even harder. But you better believe that I am trying my damndest to do just that. I, honestly, just don't know what else to do. I feel like I am falling apart. And doing so at an alarming rate. I seriously cannot wait to move. I feel like still being here is just keeping me trapped in these feelings. I need a new atmosphere, a new surrounding. I need to meet new people. You have no idea how badly i need to meet new people. Not that I don't love my few friends that i have because I do. I just really need to start over. I feel like if I can just start over then maybe I can make a better ending for myself. I don't know. Wishful thinking? Probably. I don't even care though, I have to try something. This town is full of ghosts. Ghosts that I would just really like to get away from...

"He walked down a busy street
Staring solely at his feet
Clutching pictures of past lovers at his side
Stood at the table where she sat
And removed his hat
In respect of her presence
Presents her with the pictures and says
‘These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you.
These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you’

Opened up his little heart
Unlocked the lock that kept it dark
And read a written warning
Saying ‘I’m still mourning
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts that broke my heart before I met you’

Lover, please do not
Fall to your knees
It’s not
Like I believe in
Everlasting love

He went crazy at nineteen
Said he’d lost all his self esteem
And couldn’t understand why he was crying

He would stare at empty chairs
Think of the ghosts that once sat there
The ghosts who broke his heart.
All the ghosts that broke my heart
The ghosts that broke his heart
All the ghosts that broke my heart
the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts
The ghosts that broke my heart before I met you

Lover, please do not
Fall to your knees
It’s not
Like I believe in
Everlasting love

He says ‘I’m so lost,
Not at all well’
Do as though there is nothing left to be
Turned out I’d been following him and he’d been following me
Do as though after it was over
We were just two lovers crying on each others shoulders
And i said

Lover please do not
Fall to your knees
It’s not
Like I believe in
Everlasting love"