Growing up

You know the saying that goes "You don't have to be the fastest running from the bear you just have to be faster than the slowest guy." Do you ever get the sense that you are the slowest person running from the bear? I'm starting to feel like I'm falling behind the pack. For almost the past year now I have been aimless. No goal. No motivation. Nothing. I've stopped moving forward. And I'm pretty sure this is a huge factor in the crumbling of so many relationships in my life. My bubble is dwindling, and it scares me so much. I feel like everyone is moving on, growing up, and I'm just stuck. Part of this complex could be the fact that almost daily I get a text from my best friend informing me of some other person my age who is engaged or married or having a baby or something else.
I am 22 years old. This is an age where people are graduating from college. Getting engaged. Having babies. Doing amazing things with their lives. And what about me? I live with my sister. I have pretty much dropped out of school. I have no boyfriend or prospects even. And no idea what to do about any of it. Scary scary thought. I am living a stagnant life... and I have to do something about it. And I'm trying...

For starters I got a full-time job. I will be starting work at a daycare next week. Which the money will be extremely nice, I just hope that I don't pull my hair out in the process. :( I also have been looking into an Even Management Certification in Austin. Don't know if it'll work out but I'm looking into it. Definitely not getting my hopes up. But this is the first thing I've found that deals with what I really want to do. As for the boy front I got nothing. I think I have forgotten how to be a girl who grabs guys attention. Or maybe I've never been that kind of girl, but either way I don't know how to do it. I've had my share of guys who liked me, but I have no idea how it works. I don't grab the attention of guys when I go out, and I have no way of meeting guys through work or school since those have been pretty much a bust here lately.. So I've decided to take a break. I've stopped thinking about and worrying about it and stressing about it. I will find a guy who actually deserves me and who actually loves me and it will be so amazing that it will make me realize why it's not worked with guys in the past. I mean don't get me wrong I have had excellent luck with the guys I have dated. And I have been loved, deeply, and I know this. It just wasn't ever right. And I cannot wait until I find the right guy. But until that day why worry?

So, that's my new outlook on life. Or trying at least... ;)

"Lord, help me find peace. Amen."


*** Sidenote: Be on the lookout for a new blog project that me and my sister Amanda (lavatea) are working on. It's a little picture blog about our Historical Adventures. It should be neat, and it should be up and running soon! :)

Ghosts

Moving on is hard.. moving on with a smile plastered to my face is even harder. But you better believe that I am trying my damndest to do just that. I, honestly, just don't know what else to do. I feel like I am falling apart. And doing so at an alarming rate. I seriously cannot wait to move. I feel like still being here is just keeping me trapped in these feelings. I need a new atmosphere, a new surrounding. I need to meet new people. You have no idea how badly i need to meet new people. Not that I don't love my few friends that i have because I do. I just really need to start over. I feel like if I can just start over then maybe I can make a better ending for myself. I don't know. Wishful thinking? Probably. I don't even care though, I have to try something. This town is full of ghosts. Ghosts that I would just really like to get away from...

"He walked down a busy street
Staring solely at his feet
Clutching pictures of past lovers at his side
Stood at the table where she sat
And removed his hat
In respect of her presence
Presents her with the pictures and says
‘These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you.
These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you’

Opened up his little heart
Unlocked the lock that kept it dark
And read a written warning
Saying ‘I’m still mourning
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts
Over ghosts that broke my heart before I met you’

Lover, please do not
Fall to your knees
It’s not
Like I believe in
Everlasting love

He went crazy at nineteen
Said he’d lost all his self esteem
And couldn’t understand why he was crying

He would stare at empty chairs
Think of the ghosts that once sat there
The ghosts who broke his heart.
All the ghosts that broke my heart
The ghosts that broke his heart
All the ghosts that broke my heart
the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts the ghosts
The ghosts that broke my heart before I met you

Lover, please do not
Fall to your knees
It’s not
Like I believe in
Everlasting love

He says ‘I’m so lost,
Not at all well’
Do as though there is nothing left to be
Turned out I’d been following him and he’d been following me
Do as though after it was over
We were just two lovers crying on each others shoulders
And i said

Lover please do not
Fall to your knees
It’s not
Like I believe in
Everlasting love"

confused

I have found myself being confused... I mean really confused, for the past couple of weeks. I just don;t know what to do anymore. I really do not know what the right choice is. Because if i choose one way it could end great, amazing even, but it could also be terrible. I mean heart wrenching terrible. But if it's something you've wanted for so long now... do you take the risk? i don't take risks. I hate that fear of things not working out. I talked to someone about this today. They said they dont take risks because of the fear of something working. I'm the opposite i don't take risks for fear of things not working. How do you risk everything.. for the possibility of something amazing?

Somebody tell me the right choice..

Home is where the heart is

I think eating the marshmellows out of the box of lucky charms is probably the best thing in the world. one of the highlights of coming home is the food. i mean hello, lucky chamrs, sweet action! also i got to go to hong kong. i have been craving good chinese food for what feels like forever.

i have had a truly good day. i got to spend a few hours this morning cuddling up and being goofy with the boyfriend. he makes me smile. definitely the best way to wake up and start your day. then me and chels drove in to mesquite. and ive spent the rest of the day with my parents. i've really missed them. i haven't been home since january... truly far too long. and then i got to see my grandparents as well. i've missed them too. all in all its been a good day. except i miss matt :(. how pathetic is that.. i've only been away from him for like 12 hours and i already miss him. i'll see him tomorrow night though, i think i'll survive. ;)

you know what i enjoy? when things seem to all fall in place. i've been evaluating my life and while there are definitely aspects where im struggling i am truly blessed. i have an amazing family, amazing friends, and a better guy than i could have ever dreamed possible. i am truly grateful for how things are right now, i dont want to ever get to the point where im not gratefuly.. i think that would be the saddest thing in the world, to not appreciate all the things in your life. ok enough with the preachy talk.

so it is definitely spring break! hallelujah!! and i get to work tomorrow monday and tuesday. buut wednesday through sunday i get to go to new mexico with my baby. :) I'm pretty stoked (yes i just used the word stoked.. enjoy it!). i'm really looking forward to getting to spend time with him and his friends. I really enjoy his friends they are good people.

I'm just starting to ramble. Oh! I heard a song on this nivea commercial. And i loooved it. It's called "She is Love" by Parachute. Very Cute!!
http://www.islandrecords.com/site/artist_av.php?artist_id=676
Listen and enjoy. and with that I'm getting off of here.

oh find me on twitter! i need people to follow and vice versa :) jupiterose10 is my name.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Wow, so its been almost a year since I've written in this thing. I only just remembered it because I happened upon my sister's (check out her blog, its lavatea@blogspot.com) and it made me think of my own.
Sadly, I don't have much to write about. I'm in class, supposed to be working on an ad but I'm just not feeling up to it. So instead I am messing around on the internet doing things of no consequence.
This semester is wrapping up and let me just tell you I am scared. scared scared scared. I have to pass all of my classes. I'm a little worried about my algebra class. I just don't know if I'm gonna be able to make the grade or not. But I suppose there isn't much more I can do, because I'm working my butt off. I'm really just trying not to stress about school though.
Actually I've been taking that approach to almost all aspects of my life. "Don't worry about it." Most of the time worrying about things, and stressing about things, does nothing to change them. Honestly it's kinda nice just letting go of those feelings, those urgings, to just freak out over everything.

It's almost christmastime... I have no idea what I am going to do for money. Or what I'm going to get anyone. I really hoenstly despise this season. My roommates put up our christmas tree last night. I sat and watched.. nothing puts me in a worse mood than the putting up of a christmas tree. Although I do want to go and look at christmas lights. I did have hot chocolate for the first time last night.. that was nice :) I'm afraid I might be a bit of a "grinch".

Oh well.

good friends, good music, good times

well it has been a very good couple of days here lately. i came home for my mom's birthday so i have been around people for a change. i actually got a chance to hang out with an old friend of mine. i always enjoy spending time with old friends, him in particular. there is something about being around someone that you have so many memories with, it's nice. i wish we could have spent more time just me and him but he invited his girlfriend to hang out with us so she was around all evening. i tried to like her but i suppose im too critical. i just can't stand your normal annoying girl and honestly i just couldn't stand her. she got on my nerves.

but one good thing about my visit with him is i found some more amazing music. he is my music go to guy, so everytime im around him he introduces me to new music that i can get obsessed with. this visit it was the new iron and wine cd and the new stars cd. both are absolutely amazing. i particularly like the song "resurrection fern" by iron and wine. it is so beautiful. you can listen to it on their myspace here: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=3800361

and here are the lyrics:
"In our days we will live
Like our ghosts will live:
Pitching glass at the cornfield crows
And folding clothes

Like stubborn boys across the road
We'll keep everything:
Grandma's gun and the black bear claw
That took her dog

When Sister Lowery says, "Amen"
We won't hear anything:
The ten-car trains will take that word
That fledgling bird

And the fallen house across the way
It'll keep everything:
The baby's breath
Our bravery wasted and our shame

And we'll undress beside the ashes of the fire
Both our tender bellies wound in baling wire
All the more a pair of underwater pearls
Than the oak tree and its resurrection fern

In our days we will say
What our ghosts will say:
We gave the world what it saw fit
And what'd we get?

Like stubborn boys with big green eyes
We'll see everything:
In the timid shade of the autumn leaves
And the buzzard's wing

And we'll undress beside the ashes of the fire
Our tender bellies are wound around in baling wire
All the more a pair of underwater pearls
Than the oak tree and its resurrection fern"


such a beautiful song...

loneliness

i think it takes a special talent to be able to live by yourself. after only about a week and half two weeks of being in the apartment by myself i already feel like the loneliest person alive. simply because my roommates aren't here to keep me company. i have been picking up shifts at work just so i can have something to do with my time. i think i have also been helping in keeping blockbuster open (i've rented tons of movies). i did get to go home for christmas day (i had to work both christmas eve and the days after christmas) so it was nice to have some human interaction then. but sadly i will continue to be alone until after the new year, the roomies won't be returning until january 6. so my lonely days and nights will continue for some time more. luckily i work a lot next week. and on my two off days i'm going to go up to work and type some packets for the managers. they're lucky i have nothing else to do with my life.

also with my roommates gone i have noticed that i don't really have any friends besides them. my one other really good friend here no longer speaks to me (and even if he tried i don't think me or my tear ducts would last very long...) and i don't hang out with many people from work and school friends (the few that i so actually have) have all gone home for the holidays. Am i the only person that's left here alone in this town? there is bound to be someone else that is bored out of their mind that would be interested in making a new friend. but i suppose that even if there were such a person a) i wouldn't know how to find them b) they wouldn't be interested in being my friend and c) i would be working too much to do anything with them. but wouldn't it be nice to fool myself into thinking i had so many friends and invitations to do things that i was just turning people away... *sigh*

normally i am very content with my handful of really close friends and that's it, but for some reason the loneliness here lately has made me wishing for more. i suppose it is simply selfish wishes to keep me from boredom and not really the want for more friends. i would just be using them anyway.

things i have done so far while i was alone:
-rented/watched:
-superbad
-p.s. i love you
-the fountain
-skin walkers
-speak
-v for vendetta
-gosford park
-the office season 1 and 2 (the uk version)
-elf
-miracle on 34th street (both the 1947 and 1994 version)
- a christmas story ("deck the hars with bars of harry. far ra ra ra ra")
-made the outline for 3 mix cds
-found out about tons of new music
-watched about 30 episodes of ghost hunters (i'm obsessed)
-updated my itunes
-organized my music

seriously i need some company!